The Onigiri

My God... not content with slapping and kicking, the fiery sports teacher has nowresorted to punching and caning. The student that was kicked returned a few minutes ago, and was told to bow his head. The teacher then gave him half a dozen heavy punches (the sort you might administer to cause a "dead arm"), and then, asking him to bend over, gave him 15 very sharp stripes on the backside with his cane, pausing after each set of 5 to let the pain register...

I'm about to head home for the day, and the student that was slapped and another student, are still sat in seiza, hours later. Who'd be a Japanese student, eh?...

stop press... the slapping teacher has just called another student into his office... as I write he is staring intently at him, having berated him with very harshly enunciated words. When he first came in, he was unaware of the teacher's fury, and wasn't prepared for the vicious kicks to the shins that came without warning. Limping slightly, he's staring at the ground. My oh my... what a day.

What a day so far at my highschool... first of all, one of the sports teams captains was called into the office and given a sergeant major style dressing down by the the head coach. The student in question is very studious and dilligent in class, and to the best of my knowledge hasn't done anything wrong in the past. Yet this morning he was treated like a habitual ne'er-do-well, being shouted at for close to half an hour, culminating in a heavy punch to the chest and banishment to the counselling room for the rest of the day. What did he do, I wonder? Was it something serious enough to warrant such punishment?

And then this afternoon, another student from a different sports team was brought into the office and given a slightly less severe talking too from his head coach. The coach in question is a notorious hardman character, and used his wooden stick to thwack the table to emphasise what he was saying. But then, without any warning what so ever, he stood up and, setting his stance, proceeded to slap the student 4 times across the face with such force and speed that the student was knocked back against the filing cabinet before he knew what had happened. He is currently sitting in seiza on the concrete floor with a purple left cheek, where he will no doubt remain for some time...

I am all in favour of discipline in schools, but that didn't make witnesses these two things any easier...

Welcome to the onigiri Speed... yes, I for one have seen scrubs. It's pretty good, from what I remember, although I have only seen a handful of episodes. Something in the back of my mind is telling me that the janitor is the same guy that played the janitor in The Breakfast Club... is this the case or is my mind playing tricks?...

Speaking of American TV shows, are any of you guys familiar with OZ, the HBO drama set in a prison? For me, it's the best American Show of all time. Violence, insights, gripping stories, philosophy, drama, inner battles... it's got it all.

For the record, I have to nominate Six Feet Under for the worst TV show award. Never have I seen such pretentious Americana...

Ahh, Nova student quotes... please click here to see a list of the memorable quotes I heard during my time at Nova.

The quotes here at a high school aren't as forthcoming, but occasionally a cracker does surface. Examples follow:


"Sensei, I am unnecessarily smug towards kimuchi" (response to "Do you like Korean food?" and after consulting an electronic dictionary)

"'FUCK YOU!'" (shouted response to "What does 'むかつく' mean in English?", just as the Vice Principals were walking past the window).

"シンダレラ　は？” (sports teacher's gruff response to the arrival of two of his plumper, plainer looking students, showing rare humour and a surprising knowledge of western fairy tales).

Talking of Nova students, I was chatting to one of my high level students who had just become a father for the first time.
"So Satoru, what's it like being a father? Any big life changes?" I asked him, expecting some thing along the lines of 'With fatherhood comes great responsibility'.
"Money." he replied quickly.
"Ah...you mean worrying about the future? Saving for the baby's education etc etc?"
"NO NO NO!" he replied quickly "Before the baby I could afford to go to Russian hostess bar.... now I can only afford Filipino."

How about a "wakarimasen" of Nova students, or a " ..................? " of Nova students?

Speaking of Nova, I've actually been teaching 3 high school girls some Quest-esque lessons for the last couple of weeks... great fun, surprisingly! Much better than facing a baying mob of 35 slackers (to quote Miles Strickland)...

I always thought it was a "drunk of Scotsmen",or Scotspersons if we are to use the modern PC term.
How about a "retard of Nova students"?

How about:

a chlak-chlak of young women (the sound they make as they descend the train station steps in their pointy high heels).

a lockpocket of Scotsmen.

I believe you will find that the collective noun for Salarymen is a 'Grope',as in "My sister was accosted by a grope of salarymen last night"

You have to love them... they drive around in convoys of four cars, 4 policemen in each car, following the teenage bike gangs at 15 mph, yet schoolgirls get raped in public on trains and nothing happens...

Interesting... a giggle of schoolgirls is very apt, as is perhaps a majide! of schoolgirls, or a bai-baaai! of schoolgirls. Here is my makeshift list of offerings:

a clomp of young men (that wear catepillar boots and drag their feet)
a grumble of old ladies, a miso of old ladies
a yattai of salarymen
a wakarimashita of telephonists
a panic of motorists
an incompetence of public servants
a sugar-rush of game show contestants

And like a penny twisting in its metally drop to the floor, it all becomes clear...

Yesterday, being the first Friday in October, was the monthly Principal's School Address, an event which consists of all the students sitting in long lines according to their classes, all the teachers scuffing about in their socks, the sports teacher with the microphone trying to sound like a TV yakuza and - my favourite - the Student Appearance Evaluation.

It's really very simple. Two of the department teachers (one holding a red pen and the register, the other with a discerning eye and a two foot stick) call each of their students forward in turn and bark orders at them (show me your nails! show me your belt! turn around!). If their appearance is satisfactory, they walk back to where they were sitting and wait patiently. If there is any kind of quibble (boys = hair dye, tufty hair, hair longer than a couple of centimetres, shaven eyebrows, an under-tshirt any colour other than plain white, an elaborate belt, low-slung trousers, an unfastened top button, any kind of keyringage, any kind of fringe, unkempt nails girls = hair longer than the shoulder when tied, hair that almost covers the eyes, longer hair at the front that isn't pushed behind the ears, hair dye, unkempt nails, unfastened top button, cosmetics, skirt shorter than a determined length, and many many more) then the stick teacher gives them a cheerful but painful crack across the back of the legs, on the top of the head or across the backside, and the red pen teacher records the quibble in the register.

If you have hair dye? Get rid of it by Monday. If you have shaven your eyebrows? Get them back by next inspection, and so on. Once the inspection is complete, those students that passed may leave, and the ones who failed must sit in the traditional Japanese sitting style for 10 or so minutes whilst red pen and stick berate them and give them their speech about respecting the rules of society and considering their place at their high school.

And me? Well, I usually have to stand alongside red pen and stick, as well as the department boss (who incidentally is just like the skilled swordsman with an old face from The Seven Samurai) and watch the proceedings.

And after the inspection, and for the next 30 days until the next one? It's back to falling-down trousers, like-a-belt skirts and one trouser leg rolled up...

Welcome to the Onigiri, Ben. Here's something for you - why do old women in Japan always carry their flowers sideways, thus impeding pedestrians and causing a major bother?..